Cracking up

You truly find out who is real in your life when you lie broken in a million pieces. Those who really care are the ones that stick around to help sweep up the many fragments of your broken heart and the pretend, they start to vanish as soon as the first few cracks appear. It is the real that I cherish so much right now. Forget the idealistic dreamers (like I once was) and give me something I can sink my teeth into. No stories, no lies, no situations that seem to need constant padding. In this state of being so carefully glued together, I need to be bound up with simple adoration. My many wounds need the attention of someone who is strong enough to defy and true enough to remember that I was once whole and am determined to be so again.

Friends??

I had these friends once; they knew me so well and loved me, flaws and all. At my darkest of moments, they held true and not for a moment wavered in their devotion. You see, it's easy to say that you are friends with someone, but it doesn't mean anything until you show it. I was lucky, I knew people like this. I never really realized just how rare and prized such people are until now. I find myself surrounded by plastic people that look all shiny and great, but they are hollow on the inside. They care little for who I am and are simply content with the idea of who they think I should be. Suddenly I have become a trained seal putting on show for a crowd of spectators that can never be pleased. Such a performance is exhausting. Staring through these eyeholes that are not my own, it's becoming impossible to ignore the cheap plastic smell of my own mask that I am forced to wear. I seek with all my heart an ally who is willing to see me as me. Such a relief it would be to finally shed this stupid mask and regain my character which I have pushed so deep down inside. Surely there exists another that can value me for what I am, flaws and all.

All because of Jonny Cash

Wickedly wrong in the sense that the laws of life and love forbid it. Those in defiance are seen as impure liars who care none for the hurt of others. These sinful moments of unwholesome misdeeds may take their toll on a world that is already weakened from its many other cracks, but to some these unguided missteps give them the fire rich sense of life that fuels them to continue existing.

Road Trip

** Most people will not understand this one, so I'll explain a bit. I went with a couple of friends on a little mini road trip and lots went wrong. We busted a tire, a cop came and we ended up renting a car all so we could get to some auditions that no one actually showed up for.**

Embarked on an adventure for the last lost three; cased within an iron monster with a broken fin. The knight in his shiny white horse could not save them; he merely pointed the way on to the magic carpet that would carry them into their imaginations. Spiraling through the land of infinite valleys, they seek the land of the beautifully pretend. Behind them lie the trivialities of truth and consequence; their glossy eyes see only the hope of a happy ending.

Drive On

I've been there before. I sat in the exact seat that you currently occupy and experienced the uncontrolled chaos that seems to fill the air that surrounds you. It's that stomach turning sickened feeling that tells you that somehow your mind has become disconnected from your body. The dizzying reality that says what you want is completely unattainable. Almost as if you were wandering through fog on a moonless night, the destination you seek continues to creep further and further away. It would be great if it all just got better and if that dreadful longing just vanished, but no such luck. Perhaps it is the fates perched on high laughing at the despair of the blind wandering masses. Either way, you are stuck with your disarray in all of its glory, complete with throbbing headache such turmoil tends to bring. True, I've seen what you see and know just how obnoxious these moments can be and I really do wish that I was that type that hugged and kissed it all better. But I am far more likely to kick you in the a** and tell you to get over it.

Naked

Such bright beginnings full of hope and illustrious dreams of all powerful grandeur. We were meant to be the absolute perfection, succeeding where all others had and would always ultimately fail. Weighed upon our flimsy wills were our costumes of multicolored gifts. We would always win, always overcome, always withstand whatever might try and pull us down. To us, the world was to be an adventure that would be tamed simply by us navigating though it. How blinding it was, our ignorance. So determined to fit those preset molds, we eventually lost the gift of our individuality. As the years wore on, the rough road of life scraped away our shiny coats that we wore so proudly. Each step down the path stripped away a little more of the hoax that we tried so hard to convince ourselves was real. In the end we find ourselves standing naked surrounded by the tattered pieces of our ill-conceived lie. Arms bloodied from forcing ourselves through a place we were never meant to see, face bruised from the constant battles we had with our true identities. This moment, though scary and cold, is a chance at rebirth. We can go forward from here as a newborn soul that's had a glimpse of where the dark road goes. This can be the opportunity to step into reality with our eyes stretched open in an impenetrable glare that forces the voices of opposition to step aside. Only now, we get this chance. Who's to say that tomorrow shall bring it again? All hope isn't gone, is it?

On the Outside

The idea that I would never fit ran through my mind like a marquee with never ending lights, each bulb flashing out one more time that I would never be accepted in the world that I craved so much to be a part of. No matter how hard I tried, the current keepers would never free the gates and I was either unable or just unwilling to climb over. Sad that such a thing still exists in a land of taxes and jobs, responsibilities and obligations. Trivialities as these should have been left in the days of swings and slides, as they have no business in my sensible, mature idea of what the world should be.

Down the rabbit hole

I remember the fear. What should be a memory full of youthful zeal and excitement of newfound beginnings, is instead a darkened history of pain and despair. Years long since passed that should by now hopefully be forgotten, but painfully linger on, despite my best attempts to let them go. It's no wonder that people get lost in a magic pill or magic drink that numbs the ache of a tortured heart. That dead feeling would be far superior to the constantly scrolling movie of tears that plays in my mind everyday. Show me the potion that kills a past but leaves a future to grow anew and I would gladly partake of its poisonous contents.

My Friend

My dear friend, after these long years, we have turned a shadowy acquaintance into a friendship that is real and true. It possesses a simple truth that outshines the most complex relationship, and has more allure than any passionate love could ever have. I adore the carefree hours we spend lost in conversations full of magic and hope, and relish the tranquil feelings I have when I depart your company. Such a peace could only be found in the presence of one that I truly feel at ease with. You, my friend, help me so much more than you will ever know. Your gentle kindness reminds me that there are those out there that still value sincerity and who still believe that a trusted friend has more worth than most anything else.

Empty Dolls

With heartfelt illusionary hugs, I hold these tarnished innocent souls close to my heart. I cry inside for the pain they have always lived with and for their futures which seem so impossible. These are the forgotten children that the world has closed their eyes to. They exist only in paperwork and files and few even know their names. Many will never meet their own goals in life much less anyone else's and some will just vanish without anyone noticing. Victims of the system that is supposed to serve them, these broken dolls have grown into empty shells of the lively beings they once were. Lost and blinded by their pain, they stray far into a darkened jumbled place that I can't even begin to understand. As their teacher, I can only hope to show them that there exists is a path back to being alive.

Blocked

The world was so much easier when words flowed from my fingertips as easily as water rushing through a mountain stream. My mind felt empty and free of the clutter of everyday life. So different from the current feeling of being trapped in my own twisted mind of complicated and inescapable thoughts.

Honor

"I was a bride. My dreams were taken from me. But now - now I've stolen them from someone else. I love you, Victor, but you are not mine." from The Corpse Bride


Precious few prizes are given in this world. Limited are the perfect unions of two hearts. Such a unifying force is rare in a place that values the expendable for being cheap and efficient. Memories are short lived and valuables are quickly replaced with little emotion or loss. Who am I to contribute to such a waste?

My fairy tale

In my split world of distorted fairy tales, the crone is the victor. Creatures of the light are shunned for their weakness, as demons of the dark are revered for their determination. Here, the innocent are rejected by the princes who desire a darker companion. They plot with the evil to lock away the pure in a solid stony tower of unbreakable walls. However, honorably, the gallant knight still stays stuck to his immaculate bride and waits with her in her lofty oppressive home. Surrounded by nothing but empty hope, he watches as time and his life slowly pass him by. Sweet sir, climb down her golden braid and escape from the teetering tower that exists in the space between light and dark. Ever weary of the thorny walls, scale past the broken glass and find the divided home of mixed up messages that lies below. There exists two lands so near the knight, but so far apart with the details that separate them. And he, stretched between both worlds, manages to benefit from the two. While he indulges in the dark, he also finds comfort in the light. Its serene tranquility seems to give him some kind of happiness that the exotic darkness cannot. In this blurred fairy tale world, there are no happy endings. There will never be a magic winged horse that carries star crossed lovers away and no music will play when the end finally comes. My finale has the dark taking over. The cackling crone will indulge in her whims to the demise of all those that surround her. The knight will fade away and the burning candle that sits on high will burn out and turn to ash; just as the stony tower falls and destroys the land of the light.

Bored

Time ticks by like talons on the smooth surface of a chalkboard. Each screeching mark counts off the empty seconds of airless space. Gone are the wild times and joyous days that gave the world a happy glow of exuberance. They have been replaced by the monotonous routine of dull grey real life.

Caged

Sweet sorrowful illusion, you exist only in my dreams of open time. My truth is crammed full of obligations and responsibilities that keep me from delving into a world of misadventure. So few are the moments of chance and so scattered are my thoughts; such turmoil makes any union appear impossible. The powers seem to have so much invested in ensuring that these wild fantasies stay confined in a cast iron cage of commitment.

So Sad

My loneliness overwhelms me.
Like a thick smothering cloud of toxic fumes,
The weight of my sorrow pushes the breath from lungs.

Dark emotions consume me.
The bitter cold of loss
Eats away at my once hopeful spirit.

Unfilled wishes destroy me.
Broken from the loss of a dream,
My will to push on has perished.

A Silly Spider Rhyme

To all of those with weakened hearts
With these warning words take heed
Beware the spider's true intentions
Your simple soul falls short to her need

She preys upon your easy heart
In her song she hides her true request
She wants little of your loving words
Her desires outweigh all the rest

Many have fallen deep in her web
Lost forever in her hypnotizing eyes
Few have escaped the pain that she causes
When she finally casts off her thin disguise

Don't cry when the truth is finally shown
Disregard any weak sign of regret
For a warning has been fairly given
To the spider's trap; long been set

Really Live

Within clouds of hazy uncertainty
I wander through this life's mazes
Each path offers an adventure
Some full of heartache
And others full of fire

Unblinded, I always walk forward
A labyrinth of opportunities
Despite the fog that hides the outcomes
All endings have moments
All moments leave a memory

It would be simple to keep to the path.
To follow the rules
To play it safe
But at what cost?
What would you give up?

Choose the maze
Choose to explore the forbidden
Die knowing that you have blazed a trail
Live like you mean to enjoy it

Liars

*** I wrote this one a long time ago, but have never posted it.***

Shallow souls line the roads as damaged corpses without a grave
Their faulty thoughts and half grown truths rot along side their blistering skin
Open blind uninsightful eyes are pecked away by flightless birds who wish to see
Creeping along seeking out those demented lives that still hold a breath
Their answer is to destroy those who step over others
to feed off what starved so many
to be full of what the dead, in life, never gave

Come to Me

I am in the mood to be rescued. Pretend to be my gallant knight and ride into my world on your brilliant white steed. I could care less if your intentions are pure or if you feel strong and brave; fake it. It's not your truth that I require, but rather your strong open arms. I'm tired of having to coax the victor out of you. Make me feel adored, worshiped. Show me that in me exists what you need. Toss your overused recycled words out the window and demonstrate your power to enchant me.

Take a Number

Everyday my hearts hardens a bit more. Soon you'll be like everyone else and what you say won't faze me. Those frothy feelings of love and hope have passed into the shadows to be replaced by more shallow indulgences. Never more will you be that grand illusion that followed me through life. Your role has now been reduced to just another entry on my list of life's adventures.

Shut Up

Don't bi_ch to me about the cage you've placed yourself in. The bars of steel did not grow there overnight. Years of keeping quiet and acting as a doormat have given you that place of confinement. It's so easy to just complain about what is wrong and what you wish had happened. It actually takes some balls to do something about it. Quit wagging your tongue and take some action. Step out of that white washed comfort zone of yours and genuinely make some sort of attempt to lead an interesting life. If that is not a choice you are willing to make, than just shut up and enjoy the world you have created.

Nightly News

Every night I find my eyes glued to a flickering screen full of bobble headed puppets filling the airwaves with brainwashing propaganda. Their damaging words fly as arrows to the hearts and minds of the empty headed. Thirsty for whatever information they can receive, these fools suck down any half truths they can possibly dig their greedy fangs into. Indifferent to the damage they cause, the marionettes play on with strings being pulled by the same hands that distribute the cash. Pawns of the wealthy, they trade truth for recognition and deny the naive the chance to think on their own.

Waste Away

Take note. You are one of the lucky few that get to behold this event. How many can say that they have witnessed the death of a dream? Do not mourn this moment; rather rejoice that my timid spirit has finally begun to stand on its own. It no longer needs a phantom from the past to prop it up. What was meant to have been laid to rest long ago has finally begun to fade, now that my mind has found comfort in the openness of my future. Youthful fantasies that I once held on to so tightly now seem like no more than a silly tale of a lost and lonely girl. More and more every day, the fear that forced me to hold on diminishes. In its place I have finally found the peace and closure I have so long required.

Soldier

Even though the well rehearsed scene has been played out many times before, my eyes continue to burn with the pain of your departure. Although I drown in unexpected tears, I still feel pride as you walk away. For now you walk the path of a hero. Far from your mind is the distress in your own place; now your heart and your mind exist to protect them. In a world of dangerous chaos, you don your invisible shield and head out into the darkened war of human survival. Without fear, you place the needs of the damaged innocent far before your very own. Always a shining knight, you defy the stabbing words of those who so easily critique the bravery that they would never show. Their verbal pebbles bounce off your silver armor and only add to the strength you constantly maintain. Never allow those ignorant onlookers to defile the courageousness that you and all your brothers show. Champions in an unappreciative world, you will always be my heroes.

Distance

Though we may be inches apart, it might as well be miles; as the zone between us must stay forbidden. Neither gentle touch nor sweet caress can pass when ever watchful eyes are always near. In my mind I can overcome these impediments. There I possess magic to create wings made of silver wishes and golden threads that will allow me to fly over the massive invisible wall that constantly divides us. However, my simple desire is no match for the impenetrable force that is determined to keep us apart. Perhaps cruel fate proves it cannot be defied.

Dependence

As my addiction, you constantly pull me into to your spiral world of contradictions and illusions. Drunk on desire, my mind persistently spins toward your amazing ability to yank me from my place in this straight and simple world into field of carnal thoughts that can bring me only trouble. I long for; no I crave to feel that moment of peace that comes from accepting the idea that I can never lose the need to have that fix of your making. The constant hunger may get buried, but your presence revives the dreaming creature that is determined to feed on the overwhelming forces we create.

Lost

Lose yourself. Find that spot inside that frees everything you have locked away. I can almost see it hiding, deep behind those stony eyes that try so hard to stay empty and cold. Crystal blue glass walls that hold back a flood of unwanted emotion stare back at me when I struggle to see what secret thoughts you hold tight. Forget the danger that goes with letting go. Lose yourself in the magic of childhood dreams and reawaken the fire that once made your eyes glow bright.

Imaginary Me

Whisked away on a feather light dream of the unimaginable, a world of carefree days and unleashed nights waits for me in the place where my mind wanders. Unchained, I drift into a world where they not only cherish the unconventional, but embrace it. Unique is seen as a prize that all wish to attain. Only in that place do I truly exist.

Take Care

Be careful with me. My fragile paper heart has been torn by so many. Its edges are ragged from years of pretend embraces that whispered of love, but smelled of betrayal. No longer is it crisp and hopeful as the heart of a trusting child. That sweet innocence has long been stolen by the wolves who posed as my guardians. Frayed from deception and disappointment, its transparent skin could hardly take another wound from a being I trust so much. Be near me, but mind my delicate heart as you do.

Ignored

Wrapped in stinging thorns, my heart strains to beat under constantly tightening pain. The barbed spikes poke their way through, ripping and tearing at the tender flesh. With each labored beat, my breath fades and my pulse grows weak. The pain is hardly more than I can bear. Struggling to be free from its jagged net, my heart dies within these poisoned constraints.

Avoidance

My burnt and beaten heart shudders with each pang of reluctant desire. Each tremor that rocks through, jars me from my level headed perch in the giant tree of ever branching truths. I climb in my attempt to escape the sting of unanswered pleas only to discover it follows, stalking my heels as I climb ever higher into my vision of what is true. So far from the unhealthy ground that always appears to be awaiting my fall and seems eager to take me into its heart once my own weak one finally fails me both in love and ultimately in life.

Hate

Like a slap, your swift exit stings me in its suddenness. How easily you seem to take what is so sweet and sincere and turn it into something rotten and cast aside. In that briefest of moments, I hate you. I hate that my strong and centered self has become a shapeless mass full of stupid and careless wishes. I cringe knowing I have left the softest part of myself open to one who could ravage it so cruelly without a second thought. If only the safe that held the past had not been reopened and released its foul unwelcome prisoner. Then freedom and strength would rule my world rather than sadness and desperation.

A Letter

To the one whose touch evades me, my secret voice calls across the miles. Each word carries with it my wish to meet in the land of dreams. To frolic in the impossible void that constantly divides us. Like a fool I continue to stumble blindly into a pit I cannot possibly hope to escape. I can only pray that some fate will grant me magic wings to overcome this delusion I so love to swim in. My secret delight, I ignorantly long to gaze into those eyes despite that they don't seem to reflect the same beautiful chaos that fills my own mind. The distance you keep both in miles and in heart does little to dampen my desire. Rather, the pains keep me captured on you that I cannot have.

Rerun

An old record buzzes as it passes over a well worn groove of constantly repeating sentiment. With each spin the message becomes more fuzzy and hollow. Blindly, the parade of listeners rushes past barely noticing that they are scraping the heels of those who walk before them. They are zombies hypnotized by the toneless song that plays from the lips of a dream, for each feels the tune is their own. So with eyes closed they press on, an endless steam of mindless drones captured by the noose of what they wish was real.

Stay Sleeping

Like a ghost, the past haunts my dreams. It floats through my mind as an apparition of one I so long ago loved. Each painful pass reminds me of what can only exist in the seconds of stolen time we can manage to free. Every gliding step carries with it the echo of truth that the past has long since gone and with it went my naive vision of a storybook life. Still I chase my phantom, if only to spend a second longer warmly surrounded by my beloved blanket of illusion, guarded from the icy sting of the reality I must someday face.

Refound

Across all time and space some things never die. Deep within the most cold and solid stone, the magic of two hearts connecting so perfectly stays strong and true, counting down the moments until in the midst of the darkest summer storm, a single burst of lightening fire will split the stony safe and free the life that’s held on so long. Weak from years of starvation, hungry it begs only for time. For time has become a treasure too hard to find, but worth so much, so needed to feed a fledgling spirit that craves to live and demands but only a fighting chance to show how right it might have been.

Lies

A shallow wishing well piled high with silver mounds of unanswered dreams, an empty grave for the longings of so many naive hearts. Each gem tossed away with the hope of a magic return, but sadly its only response is the echoed splash as it melts deep into the soggy mud of the well's wishing vacuum.

Just leave

Through rough and tangled dangerous fields he crawls
with eyes lowered and head bent
past the pain and the grief that folds in around him
beneath the smoke of disillusion and doubt that has pushed him down

far ahead he spies a glimmer of peace and clarity
though it seems too far, he crawls ever closer to its crystal newness
so long blinded by the war surrounding him
he's failed to see the delicate beauty that could someday be his

for now he must continue to bleed for the path he has chosen to take
his only choices are to drag himself into the pristine peace before him
or to let himself be slowly smothered by his now weak and lifeless spirit
through rough and tangled dangerous fields he must crawl

Sadness

A timid stream of raindrop pearls
Fall quietly from lowered eyes
Crystal dew upon a porcelain face
Frozen, emotionless stone

Moving On

A crisp cold slice of eerie ambivalence replaces the warm glowing embers of eye catching fire that once held me in its cradling arms. Doused by the water of obligation and morality, flame quickly becomes ash, choking and smothering the life of a child’s foolish longings.

Day Dreams

In her tightly shut eyes the sharp contrast of reality with its harsh truths and bolded reinforced borders becomes a shadowed place of what ifs and maybes. The wooded doors become crystal windows that seem to turn all light into magical rainbow snowflakes dancing against the backdrop of impossibility.