A Reflection

It’s through a funhouse mirror that I see myself.  A collection of reality and fantasy that creates a picture that is impossible to recreate in real life, yet somehow I hold myself to standards that are nearly unattainable.  My mind says that I should be able to handle everything that is thrown my way, all the while smiling as though life is easy.  Fight through stress and frustration without showing the cracks that reveal my sensitivities that I hide close to my core.  It’s always the perfection that I seek, both in my psyche and in my physical presence.  A return to the days when thoughts and words flowed from my mind with a gentle ease that others envied.  The reclaiming of a spirit that knew no boundaries and saw all limitations as a chance to prove how much I could accomplish.  Hidden amongst my blurred reflection, such qualities still exist, but have yet to push their way into my distorted view.  It’s the stable clear image that I require in this land of circus freak likenesses.

Phoenix

From the ashes of love long dormant, a pristine moment prospers in the light of a newly formed fire.  A counter to the world of boundaries and limitations, this creation breathes freedom into the spirits of the ensnared victims of mature sensibilities.  Without shattering the sturdy frame of their sound existence, they are given a chance to temporarily break away from the steadfast solid ground and give themselves over to the swirling winds of uncertainty that float high into the unknown as smoke from a flame that once again has begun to burn.   

My Beautiful Anya

Joyful jubilance bubbles forth in giggling madness; eyes wide with innocence and hope. Unscarred by life’s sharp edges, she shines with a vibrancy that cannot be created; only radiated by one true of heart and spirit.  Each new day opens with a clean slate.  The past is a fog and the future never comes.  Every step is on a shimmering magic carpet that only ends at the farthest reach of her imagination.  All covering a heart that knows only love and gives it freely as if like breathing. 

A Letter

A long time ago when my days were new and my years fewer, I gave you my heart.  Sure, it was the wild carefree heart of a bird, but it was given absolutely.  From that first tender instant I knew I would forever have you in my world.  Regardless of the distance, both in miles and in emotion, and in spite of my unwillingness to acknowledge it, part of me always belonged to you. 

It’s in the quiet lingering moments when it all comes rushing back to me.  The butterflies in my stomach, the rumbling in my heart, the heat in my mind…  It’s like stepping back in time, but instead of the frantic rush of emotion that blinded me as a child, I feel a sense of comfort that things are back as they are meant to be. 

You, the one who loved me through my faults and flakiness, were always a steady presence in my life.  You created in me the idea that I deserved the best.  Taught me that I should be valued, appreciated, loved without trepidation.  And in doing so, made me expect such things from all who drew near.   I thank you truly for that.

Today I reach a point of acknowledgment instead of resolution.   It’s not about deciding to care, but rather admitting that I do.  The ache when you pull away confirms what has always been quietly true.  Just as my heart was given as a youth, it’s still dwells firmly in the palm of your hand and I see little chance that that will ever vary.

Just be gentle…

Run

Instinct says run.  All the signs are clear in their intent.  Disappointment, hurt, things that are not supposed to be present, loom overhead, blocking out the sparkling sky, leaving only desperate stinging darkness.  Like a wounded animal, retreat to safety and forget a clearly impossible task.  It is not worth shattering what currently exists in the hopes of creating a stronger connection that may never materialize.

An Analogy

Compare it to having a pet squirrel.  You lay out some seeds and coax it out.  It may visit you very day and might even eventually let you touch it.  But it never truly belongs.  Every night it is called back to the wild.  The squirrel has no real attachment to you, only the treats you share.  If the neighbor were to offer a better fare, it would be gone.

Better to befriend a stray cat.  Their loyalty is fluid and follows the affection that they are given.  Love them and they will stay true, just be warned that when your attention to them wanes, so will their allegiances. 

Perfection

I had a dream last night.  It led me to a place of fantasy and wish fulfillment that made it difficult to let go of in the dawn.  It began with a journey into the dark with an intent to find a place of lonely peace.  A soft blanket on the ground and a million stars in the sky set the scene.   “No pressure, no obligation, simply be.”  Always so concerned, always protecting.  A gentle touch that fuels a deep rooted passion explodes in an instant.  Cares are lost to the darkness and worries cease to exist.  It’s just the stars, both in the sky and in the act.  In the simplest of actions, perfection finds itself and time stops.  I close my eyes, drifting under the twinkling sky and awaken with the crack of dawn.