A Letter

A long time ago when my days were new and my years fewer, I gave you my heart.  Sure, it was the wild carefree heart of a bird, but it was given absolutely.  From that first tender instant I knew I would forever have you in my world.  Regardless of the distance, both in miles and in emotion, and in spite of my unwillingness to acknowledge it, part of me always belonged to you. 

It’s in the quiet lingering moments when it all comes rushing back to me.  The butterflies in my stomach, the rumbling in my heart, the heat in my mind…  It’s like stepping back in time, but instead of the frantic rush of emotion that blinded me as a child, I feel a sense of comfort that things are back as they are meant to be. 

You, the one who loved me through my faults and flakiness, were always a steady presence in my life.  You created in me the idea that I deserved the best.  Taught me that I should be valued, appreciated, loved without trepidation.  And in doing so, made me expect such things from all who drew near.   I thank you truly for that.

Today I reach a point of acknowledgment instead of resolution.   It’s not about deciding to care, but rather admitting that I do.  The ache when you pull away confirms what has always been quietly true.  Just as my heart was given as a youth, it’s still dwells firmly in the palm of your hand and I see little chance that that will ever vary.

Just be gentle…

Run

Instinct says run.  All the signs are clear in their intent.  Disappointment, hurt, things that are not supposed to be present, loom overhead, blocking out the sparkling sky, leaving only desperate stinging darkness.  Like a wounded animal, retreat to safety and forget a clearly impossible task.  It is not worth shattering what currently exists in the hopes of creating a stronger connection that may never materialize.

An Analogy

Compare it to having a pet squirrel.  You lay out some seeds and coax it out.  It may visit you very day and might even eventually let you touch it.  But it never truly belongs.  Every night it is called back to the wild.  The squirrel has no real attachment to you, only the treats you share.  If the neighbor were to offer a better fare, it would be gone.

Better to befriend a stray cat.  Their loyalty is fluid and follows the affection that they are given.  Love them and they will stay true, just be warned that when your attention to them wanes, so will their allegiances. 

Perfection

I had a dream last night.  It led me to a place of fantasy and wish fulfillment that made it difficult to let go of in the dawn.  It began with a journey into the dark with an intent to find a place of lonely peace.  A soft blanket on the ground and a million stars in the sky set the scene.   “No pressure, no obligation, simply be.”  Always so concerned, always protecting.  A gentle touch that fuels a deep rooted passion explodes in an instant.  Cares are lost to the darkness and worries cease to exist.  It’s just the stars, both in the sky and in the act.  In the simplest of actions, perfection finds itself and time stops.  I close my eyes, drifting under the twinkling sky and awaken with the crack of dawn.

Expiration Date

I am content in my role of being “of the moment,” but at the time feel confined by the knowledge that part of me must stay locked away, protected from the hurt of knowing that I carry an expiration date that limits my value. It’s the “for now” that troubles me. How do I let go when the possibilities of replacement hover in the background, just waiting for the slightest misstep?  How quickly does your mind pass from one to another?  I want so much to feel along with experience, yet fear seizes my heart the moment it begins to weaken.  There is no quick solution to this dilemma, only a request.  Give me my moment. In my time, forget all others and be mine.  Forget my expiration and pretend that we have eternity and perhaps what tangles my heart can drop away and allow me to believe.  

So Sappy...

I miss you...

Bipolar?

You can’t imagine what its like to see the world through my heart and eyes. What others see as dingy and typical, I see as glorious and new. Each item glows with an intensity that makes it pulsate with life. Bright pastels pour from every cell creating a fog of mystery and magic that encompasses all who stand near. One cannot help but to be romanced by the possibilities of all that surrounds us. But illusions all must have their boundaries.  Every glowing feature also bears a warning.  Tiny sharp thorns wrap their tentacles around every moment creating a peril that is often not seen until the damage has been completed.  Every step must be carefully placed in order to avoid the devastatingly beautiful snares that constantly drag you down. Without losing yourself in a field of lunacy, you can’t even begin to understand what it means to dance through life bearing the magical veil that I possess.